I’m thinking about packing. What books do I take? Will I get
all my clothes into my car?
Can I get everything switched over on the Carol Awards to my
new address?
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| Photo Credit Pretty much felt like this little clamper/pincher/staple puller was headed right for my head the other night... |
Millions of little tiny nothing tasks are racing through my
brain, including but not limited to, paying my car insurance, getting
reimbursed for the shopping I did for my current job, to answering the hundreds
of emails that are stacking up between the two accounts I manage.
Can I just sit in the corner and cry now? I’m near to
overwhelmed and feel the constriction of my lungs about to send me into
hyperventilation.
A friend once told me that “I liked to be in control”. I
admit it. I scoffed at him, on the inside of course, but me? Need to be in
control? Surely you jest. I’m just fine with doing what I need to do when I
need to do it. Control is the last thing I want. I’d rather see someone else
hold the reins.
Yeah. I obviously don’t know myself that well and someone
who had talked with me only twice, pegged me. That was a little hard to
swallow, not going to lie.
But I realized last night as I was stressed about finishing
all these little tasks and getting everything on my to-do list done, I had lost
the excitement, the anticipation that was roaring around the corner and headed
my way. I was worried about who would be taking over my two jobs that I’m
leaving behind and would they do a good job? Would things fall through the
cracks? Maybe I should just keep the one that I can do long distance to make sure everything goes right.
Now how in-control is that? That I can’t leave, knowing God
is going to be taking care of everything that I’m leaving behind. I’m just me.
A simple human being and yet I think I can do it better than God? I think that
I’ve got this in control better than He does?
Well sit me down in my seat and tell me I need an
intervention. So I stopped. I didn’t want to stop, after all, I had tons of
things that I needed to finish and
accomplish before bed time, not to mention exercising, finishing that review
book and on and on the list goes…But I stopped anyway. And realized, if God’s
hand is on this isn’t He going to give me the grace and the time to finish
everything that I think is so important?
And if I don’t get that time, maybe I need to rethink my
priorities…and focus more on the One who gave them to me to begin with. I don’t
like feeling overwhelmed. I don’t like worrying that something isn’t getting
done. But the hard solid truth? God’s got this. So why spend the time worrying
when His peace He wants to give to me?
I've been learning a similar lesson. Over the past few years, my fear/anxiety of driving on snowy, icy roads has increased dramatically. I did a lot of introspection and realized it got worse after my last mild accident where another car slid into me. Because I love control. (I've never been tempted by drugs or drink due to that fact - why do anything that would loosen my control over myself?) And when driving I had always been in control of my speed, my abilities. But when that car slid down the icy hill into the side of my car, I had no control. It makes every winter drive an act of releasing control to God and trusting Him to look out for us on the roads.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your accident, but isn't is something how God can take those circumstances and shine the light into what we don't even realize are insecurities? And not being in control is a BIG insecurity I hadn't really acknowledged before. Humbling for sure.
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