I’m sitting here on my bed. Denver has hit temperatures of negative zero wind chill and single digit degrees that have my cold toes curled under my thighs and my fingers dancing a frantic tap dance on my keyboard, doing everything they can to keep blood flowing.
Kari Jobe is on my internet radio.
I feel hollowed out tonight. Run ragged. Exhausted. Empty. Anxious. Cold—more than just physicaly. Alone. The tank is on empty and all I can continue to do is push the gas pedal to the floor and run on fumes.
You will go before me.
Kari’s voice is ringing through my computer speakers in ways that reaches into the hollowed out sections of my soul and gently reminds me that He will never leave me.
So why do I feel pushed to my max? Why do I feel as though every time I turn around there is one more project to do? One more deadline to meet? One more expectation to fulfill?
Well, the obvious is that I did this to myself. And I did. I looked at what I could do with the time I had been given, nodded my head and said, “yes, I believe I can manage this.”
Yeaaaahhhh…you can keep your snarky responses to yourself. Thanks. I appreciate that. Because trust me, I’m giving myself plenty.
The honest truth? We don’t get anywhere when we don’t take the time to stop. Breathe. Remember Whose we are and that we are not alone.
I don’t have the words for this post. I really don’t. I don’t have any wisdom or profound statements or promises that it will get all better. Because all I’m doing right now, is tucking in and barreling forward.
I have this sign hanging in my office: do what you can today and let that be enough.
Boy, I don’t give myself permission to live that very often. I hold myself to higher standards of perfection and ability to multi-task so much into my day. And yet here I sit. Overwhelmed. Unsure how I’m going to get it all done and still manage to sleep, exercise, build friendships and spend time with God.
Ah, but I think there is the rub, isn’t it? How did spending time with my Heavenly Father fall to the end of the list? See, I know this inherently. That when I push God to the bottom of the list, my priorities get all out of whack and I can’t keep up. I can’t manage.
And my tank hits empty. I’m not resilient. I’m not managing, I’m simply surviving. I’m coping. And barely at that. I’m jumbled in everything that has to be done, instead of focusing on the One who did it all for me already.
Sigh. I feel like such a failure when I type that on the screen.
God doesn’t find me a failure though. He finds me a beautiful treasure, a child of the King, a daughter of the One and Only.
Dear God, remind me that it’s not about the to-dos or to-dones. It’s not about what I accomplished or what I can say I did at the end of the day. It’s not even about the work that I did in Your name for Your kingdom. Because what good is that, if I do so many works and lose my soul? God, draw me closer to you. Pull me into You, God. Remind me, remind me Father that only in time spent with You, can I be truly effective and productive for Your Kingdom. Otherwise, I’m just an empty shell, barely managing—and not even that very well. Sink me to my knees, Jesus.
What are you doing right now that has you “just surviving”?