Friday, July 18, 2014

I Don't Want To Be Your Friend

I don't want to be your friend.

Keep reading. I do plan to explain myself. 

I have realized something recently. I want to be friends--best friends--with my future spouse. There is not one question in my mind that this is something I want above many, many other things. 

But so often I hear this one simple phrase: "let's just be friends". And I have to admit, it makes my skin tingle, my pulse throb and my vision go blurry. 

Keep reading. Don't get upset with me yet, I plan to continue explaining myself. 

Guys and girls can't truly be just friends. I do believe in special and certain circumstances that yes, guys and girls can be friends. I'm friends with several different guys, but we aren't friends like I am with several special and dear girlfriends. I don't IM them funny thoughts or serious questions. I don't text them throughout the day or specifically seek out time to chat with just them. 

There is a difference. There needs to be a difference. That guy? He's someone else's husband. He's not my husband. As a Christian sister, it's my job to protect myself and him in how we interact. How we communicate. Because he's not mine. 

And that's okay. 

So I don't want to be "just" friends. 

In a culture where we struggle to embrace commitment is it no wonder when a guy and girl are paired up, that our first defense to protect our hearts is to say, "let's just be friends"?

What if it doesn't work out? What if something happens and this person doesn't turn out to be "the one"?

Well, then God is protecting both you and him. 

But honesty is not our first level of communication in our society. Instead we stumble and stutter. I don't lay this blame at any one particular door. But I do blame it on the path we have stumbled off. Our culture is so saturated in "hooking up". Dating. That we have forgotten the way it should be and we are slowly trying to muddle our way back to that place...many times unsuccessfully. 

What if we were honest with ourselves? With each other? What if instead of thinking--or saying--"let's just be friends", we sat down, met the other in the eye, and said "I think there is something here. What would you think about getting to know each other better?" 

What if we said that; took this "relationship" seriously, and started walking in Godly wisdom and discernment, the path of direction and open communication?

So often, guys and girls don't know what the other is thinking. "Does he like me?" "Does she think I'm worth her time?" It's the mantra of our dating-minded society and miscommunication is the #1 reason for nearly all breakups.  

What would happen if we communicated openly and honestly? If we allowed our hearts to be a little bit more exposed? And got to know the opposite sex through the lens of "could I marry this person?" If we were cautious. Bathed every interaction and connection in prayer. And were intentional about we got to know the other person.

These are just thoughts. By no means absolutes. But things I think about frequently. Have happened to me. And now I'm considering the future. The people around me. And our society in general. 

Talking points: do you agree or disagree that guys and girls can be "just" friends? 

Do you have a problem with today's model of young people meeting and "hooking" up?


  1. Agreed on all counts even from my {limited} experience in being friends with guys and thus far, *no* current or past relationship to speak of. ;)
    It boils down to intent; a strong, serious and Godly intent in a relationship is something I pray for specifically for my future husband.
    Nowadays it's so normal to see guys and girls incredibly chummy and close, but one of them ends up "liking" the other in a widely different way than the other person, and I've seen this four times over in a close friend and it's rough.
    In the end, I think guys and girls can be "just friends" but in groups, casually, and still care and have a innocent, fun time with each other.

  2. I agree. It's a risky undertaking for men and women to be friends, especially after the age of 17-18. Coming at it from 13 + years of marriage and 5 years of dating prior, there is a careful, conscious line that must be drawn within marriage against the opposite gender. I had male friends when I was in high school, but now, happily married, I would never dream of - or want to - be that close to another male. When I was a child, yes, boy friends were fine. Even preferred, honestly. But after about 16-17, there are obvious changes in our nature that require boundaries. (And one day, I may write a book about my own mistakes and experiences dating and seeking the spouse I wanted, but more importantly, the spouse God wanted for me.)
    Now if a girl and guy start out as platonic friends, and both are single and share faith, values, and common goals, then of course that friendship may turn into more (hopefully wanted by both sides, and as you said, with honesty and consideration). That's ideal!
    A Christ-centered marriage is the best life preserver in the turbulent sea of life. I pray that for you!

  3. Amen! Make that stand for Christ.Very rare sister

  4. Hi! Just stopping by to say these are some great thoughts. I very much agree that the dating system and girl/boy relationships these days have problems.
    So very cool. I love how you say, "because he's not mine". So true! He could likely some other girl's future husband.
    These issues need to be addressed! Thanks for the post!! :)

  5. I'm 21, and was home-schooled for elementary/middle school. I agree that hooking up and uncommitted relationships are wrong. But I think friendships between male and female can exist just like it can between brother and sister.
    Sadly, I haven't been blessed with having close girl friends...unless you count uncomfortably close relationships where the other person teases you for being different or for not wanting to talk about boys or tv or superficial/uncomfortably emotional topics. All the female friends I have now are distant, and the only common ground is writing.

    Thank you for sharing your ideas and perspective...although I can't relate to much of what you said I agree with your conclusion about clarity in relationships.

  6. My experience has actually been quite different.

    Of course I recognize that we need to be mindful of boundaries between men and women, but I also think that we lose something if we cover the whole issue with the blanket answer that men and women can't be friends. I've frequently been blessed to be able to reap the benefits of having a tight knit spiritual family, where brothers and sisters are able to help one another and build each other up in spirit.

    One of my friends, who recently moved to another city on a church plant, spoke to me about feeling the absence of spiritual brothers in her day to day life and how, even in a group of Godly women, there is something unique that godly guys bring to the table whether is be encouragement or acts of service (or stepping in when some other guy starts getting flirty).

    Yes there is risk, but there is also fruit when these friendships are done in a right, Godly way (and grace when they are not).


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