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I don't believe in long term dating.
I actually don't believe in dating at all, but rather this concept called courting, but that's another post for another time.
Why don't I believe in long term dating? It's not so much a matter of not believing in it, because there are good and valid reasons why a couple have not married yet. My challenge is for all the other reasons. A couple questions always tend to come to mind when I run into these couples who are still dating after being together for years.
- Are you not committed to each other? Why haven't you made that decision of commitment or you are just hanging in there, someplace in the back of your mind, are you waiting or hoping for someone better?
- Which leads to my next question: are you thinking you are settling by marrying this person? If you do, then why are you still together? Why are you still investing your heart?
- Is there no sexual attraction? The couples I run into, the circles I tend to make friends in, are waiting, holding themselves pure for their future spouse. Are you just great chums and like to hang out, or are you actually serious about this getting married thing? They why aren't you?
- This isn't a question of whether or not you might love someone. I think if you spend a great deal of time with them, call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" you probably at least profess to love them. So are you spending your time getting to know this person, for all intents and purposes interviewing them to see if they could be your future spouse?
- There is something to be said for spending a great deal of time with a person to know who they are. The character of that person. And there is also something to be said for realizing this could be the person you could marry and spend the rest of your life with. You might "get to know" someone by hanging out and doing social things together, dating etc. But you don't get to know the character of someone in most social settings. Do you know how this person is going to respond in a tough spot?
Because you are spending time, getting to know, investing in someone else's husband. Someone else's wife.
If we think this person could be our spouse, why aren't we investing more of ourselves in that person? Why aren't we being more serious about finding out if we're good together, starting this thing called life?
Are we a generation frightened of commitment? Or are we just lackluster in our drive?
Our daughter courted for about 3 years before she got married. But she and her husband started liking each other when they were 15 so no way were we going to let them get married. LOL! They married when they were 18. I agree with you, the long haul dating baffles me. I don't understand the lack of commitment in people nowadays, but it is definitely the trend. Since our daughter was so young when she found her Mr. Right they were never allowed to date, we always did things together as families. From the time they were 15 it is like the whole family(his and ours) spent that time getting to know each other. To this day we celebrate all holidays, family birthdays etc. together. There are really no "out-laws" in our family and I love it. Ideally we as parents would have liked them to wait until after college to marry, but your point about sexual attraction is quite valid! After knowing for 3 years that they wanted to marry there was no sense in making them wait through college to marry having that burden on them as well. In my own situation I married an older man. Early on in our relationship my parents sat him down and told him that if he was just interested in a short-term dating situation then he needed to hit the road and not waste any of our time. They did ask us once we were engaged to wait a year to marry because I was 18. So in some instances I think there is valid reason to wait, but the year after year after year failure to finalize a relationship is just wasting time and potentially hurting both parties. Great post Casey :)
ReplyDeleteJulie, I flat-out love, love your comment. You have solid examples of the whats and whys of taking the time to really get to know someone and I love that your daughter and her spouse's families came together before they were even married and have become such good friends. I certainly pray for loving in-laws! There is wisdom and encouragement all through your note here. Thank you for sharing your story.
DeleteAnd yes, the lack of commitment to me is vastly different from meeting your Mr. Right (or Miss Perfect) at a young age. When you're an adult and dragging out the dating scene, that to me, is a confusing conundrum and a red flag.