Friday, February 6, 2015

Can I Just Change the Landscape? Let's Just All Dourt--Part 2

I started this impromptu series last week with a challenge that we stop bashing courting AND dating and letting everyone redefine those terms--which I think has left much margin for error in what those terms truly mean and many heated (but necessary) posts around the internet. So I propose a change. Something called "dourting".

I’ll define “dourting” in a quick one phrase summary: “a chance for two people, of the opposite sex, to meet, get to know the other without the pressure of a ‘ring by spring’ mentality at the end, in a safe, comfortable environment for both parties with clear boundaries set in place, but an understanding of truly getting to know this person that you may end up committing yourself to.”

When you dig into the layers of what “dourting” is, it’s really just a combined method of both courtship and dating. Thus the name.

Here’s my terms for it:

I don’t believe in arranged marriages by my parents.

I do believe that our parent’s wisdom and discernment in these situations is vital. Out of respect to them and my heart’s desire, I want anyone I “date” to talk to my dad first. No, this is not my parent’s ultimate decision. It is my life, but I am still under my father’s headship until the day I marry.

I don’t believe in never holding hands, kissing or spending time alone (eg: restaurant, public place, etc).

I do believe that a couple needs to be careful, aware that other’s are watching and their lives and relationship together is an example and witness. Everyone has personal convictions on the above mentioned topics. Personally, I will be saving my first kiss until at least after my engagement.

I don’t believe in dating for the sake of dating.

I do believe in getting to know someone within very loose confines that some may call “dating”, but I consider an opportunity to know if this person is someone to get to know more seriously.

I don’t believe that all “dating” or “courting” is a serious debate on theology, parenting or values.

I do believe that those things are vital and incredibly important. However, you’ll be doing life with this person full time should you decide on marriage. Thus, you need to know: do you have the same interests, similar hobbies or passions? In your free time are your desires mutually compatible?

This only truly scratches the surface of what it means to get to know someone—the person you could be spending the rest of your life with. And honestly, I won’t know most of it until I actually start the process.

But the #1 truth that should always surround every relationship whether it’s courtship, dating or dourting?


Praying together. Praying separately. That He would be working in your hearts. That you would be 
open to His discernment and wisdom.

If this is not the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, they are someone else’s spouse. And their heart and emotions should be taken into consideration in every part of this journey. Just as yours should. And keeping your heart and mind aligned with God’s is the only way to truly succeed at something like this.

It’s a dicey subject anymore in Christian circles. We seem to be stumbling around in the dark with a white cane with a red tip. It doesn’t have to be. It doesn’t have to be a complicated, hyperventilating inducing, one-size-fits-all kind of model.

In fact, I have to admit my hackles come up just a bit when one person or side picks a fight against the other. Every method is not going to work for every person.

But the point remains strong. A relationship should be so devoted to Christ’s best interest for the other party that in their being together—as friends—as potential mates—in any situation, they reflect Christ and His love for the church.

Everything else? It’s petty arguments and technicalities. The standards that rise above all others? 
Those are the ones we never back down from.

Do you have an opinion on the whole dating/courting/dourting concept? 


  1. This is a refreshing, refreshing post on the overly-complicated dating vs. courtship debate! My husband and I "dourted," I suppose. ;-) Not taking the other person lightly (one of the major pitfalls in what's popularly called "dating," but also not acting in the legalistic way often associated with "courtship." Thanking God for this good post!

  2. I well thought-out response to what can be a touchy subject.

  3. It's like you've seen inside my head, taken all my thoughts on this subject, and put them into words. Thank you!
    So many people just don't understand why I wouldn't want to court or date (at least according to what they consider those things to be). I actually had one person say, "Well, I guess you just don't want to get married at all, then, huh?" I think I'll be telling them from now on that I'd much rather to dourt. Perhaps they'll be able to understand... ;)

  4. Hello Casy. So good to know you through your profile on the blogger and the blog post. i am glad to stop by your blog post. It is excellent though these terms Courtship and Dating have not much to do with Indian culture. I am in the Pastoral ministry and i am blessed to know you as a follower of Christ and the very purpose of your wirting is for Christ I am in the Pastoral ministry for last 35yrs in the great city of Mumbai, India a city with great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We reach out to the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the broken hearted. We also encourage young people as well as adults from the west to come to Mumabi on a short / long term missions trip to work with us in the slums of Mumbai during their vacation time. We would love to have you come with your friends to work with us during your vacation time. I am sure you will have a life changing experience. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede. Looking foward to hear from you very soon. God's richet blessings on you.

  5. Dunno what place in Seventh-Heaven
    I'll receive... yet, I definitely
    know by your puh-retty gorgeous
    looks, you'd take the whole cake.

    Meet me Upstairs someday, girl.
    Let's gitta BIG-OL-BEER.
    Gotta lotta tok about, dear:
    about how we will literally fly
    to the ends of the universe...
    or roller-coaster along 10,000+ mile
    of breathtaking, death defying, total
    extrovertingly-thrill-seeking fun as
    I'll cuddle with you in my arms...
    or skiing down a larger than K2 mountain;
    when we git to the bottom, hot chocolate
    and a fire in our quaint chalet.

    Meet me Upstairs someday, doll.
    Let's gitta BIG-OL-BEER.
    Gotta lotta tok about, dear...
    bout our novels we'd RITE nonillions
    and centillions of em.

    Love you.
    May God bless your indelible soul.
    cya soon...


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