Do you ever just sit and stare at the computer screen and the blinking cursor and feel alone? Defeated? Undone?
This is me tonight. Staring at the cursor, wishing I knew how to fix the rift dividing me in two. Wishing I had the words I needed to speak and fix this problem. What happened to the joy and excitement filling me mere hours ago? It’s like the plug has been pulled and everything confident filling me has drained out faster than thirsty land slurping up pond water.
It’s the worst kind of defeat.
Why do I let myself be dragged here? Why do we as humans, and me in particular, clam up and stop speaking to each other thinking the other doesn’t want to hear what is on our heart? I can be so guilty of this. I’m guilty of this tonight. Why do we have a hard time approaching each other, afraid of cracking open our soft underbelly to the other party, only certain that they will hurt us?
But if they won’t? What if they care about you just as much as you care for them, but they are just as concerned about saying something that will hurt you?
This seems to be a post for questions.
I’m writing this on a Monday, staring out at a week ripe in front of me and all I can think about is the words I will say…or won’t say. How do you speak the words on your heart? How do you express emotions that only seem to want to pour from your eyes?
Raw honesty can be so painful. And yet so healing.
I’m facing a crossroads and knowing which path I want to take, but feeling yanked back to the place I’ve always been by so many variables, most strongly by the forces that sometimes mean the most at the heart level.
Words are cleansing. Words are healing and freeing, when spoken with the right attitude and spirit. But so often, our first defense is the strongly worded phrases filling our thoughts. The words that would cut and take apart all of the emotions that are already ripping us apart on the inside.
Confrontation and resolution are never easy tasks. The first is one I avoid as though it breathed the plague and the second I treat like my best friend. But you often can’t have one without the other and sometimes the only healing solution is to reveal the honest, raw emotions.
I’m not a very honest person. I admit it. I keep things close to my chest and smile even when the inside hurts like fire. But it’s not an honest way to live. So I’ll speak the words. Say the truth, prayerfully in love that God demands of me. And sometimes the silent words pouring down my face can be just as cleansing as the words needing to be shared.
Are you ever in a situation of needed confrontation that is ripping you apart and yet can’t speak for the words?