Do you ever just sit and stare at the computer screen and
the blinking cursor and feel alone? Defeated? Undone?
This is me tonight. Staring at the cursor, wishing I knew
how to fix the rift dividing me in two. Wishing I had the words I needed to
speak and fix this problem. What happened to the joy and excitement filling me
mere hours ago? It’s like the plug has been pulled and everything confident
filling me has drained out faster than thirsty land slurping up pond water.
It’s the worst kind of defeat.
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Why do I let myself be dragged here? Why do we as humans,
and me in particular, clam up and stop speaking to each other thinking the
other doesn’t want to hear what is on our heart? I can be so guilty of this. I’m
guilty of this tonight. Why do we have a hard time approaching each other,
afraid of cracking open our soft underbelly to the other party, only certain that
they will hurt us?
But if they won’t? What if they care about you just as much
as you care for them, but they are just as concerned about saying something
that will hurt you?
This seems to be a post for questions.
I’m writing this on a Monday, staring out at a week ripe in
front of me and all I can think about is the words I will say…or won’t say. How
do you speak the words on your heart? How do you express emotions that only
seem to want to pour from your eyes?
Raw honesty can be so painful. And yet so healing.
I’m facing a crossroads and knowing which path I want to
take, but feeling yanked back to the place I’ve always been by so many
variables, most strongly by the forces that sometimes mean the most at the
heart level.
Words are cleansing. Words are healing and freeing, when
spoken with the right attitude and spirit. But so often, our first defense is
the strongly worded phrases filling our thoughts. The words that would cut and
take apart all of the emotions that are already ripping us apart on the inside.
Confrontation and resolution are never easy tasks. The first
is one I avoid as though it breathed the plague and the second I treat like my
best friend. But you often can’t have one without the other and sometimes the
only healing solution is to reveal the honest, raw emotions.
I’m not a very honest person. I admit it. I keep things
close to my chest and smile even when the inside hurts like fire. But it’s not
an honest way to live. So I’ll speak the words. Say the truth, prayerfully in
love that God demands of me. And sometimes the silent words pouring down my
face can be just as cleansing as the words needing to be shared.
Are you ever in a situation of needed confrontation that is
ripping you apart and yet can’t speak for the words?
Oh, yes!!! Been there so many times. SO. MANY. But God brings clarity. Not in those moments of darkness, of waiting and wondering and second guessing. But later. When the storm passes, the clouds clear and the sun begins to shine. Then you know. You will know. And you will be just fine, whatever the storm is you're in right now. Speak the truth in love. It's all we can do.
ReplyDeleteHugs, friend. :)
God does bring clarity. It's when we've crawled through the tough times and come out the other side when we see that God was carrying us. This post was actually written sometime ago, but God did carry me through the trials and I'm blessed in the truth instead of waiting in the darkness.
DeleteOh Casey...I am exactly the same way. I hold things close to the chest. Not the good, happy, surface things--I'll babble and giggle all day over those. But the deeper things going on in my heart, the hard stuff...it's like chipping away at a frozen tundra with a blunt ice pick getting me to let that stuff out. But there's freedom on the other side. I've found that to be true several times, for sure. I hope your conversation goes well...
ReplyDeleteYES. This is me too Melissa!
DeleteSee, Casey? There are more of us like you!
I can so relate to this, Casey! It has taken years and years to be able to speak my truth and yet still many, many times I don't. I hold it in - hoping it will just go away. Even now as a grown, middle aged woman, I still cannot tell my mother something I've been keeping from her for years. It will invariably result in a horrible conversation and so I just avoid it like the plague. To my defense, she is very frail (in body but not in tongue!) and I fear what I will tell her will literally kill her. So I just keep it in-as long as I can.
ReplyDeleteHope your conversation ended up being a lot less painful than you anticipated! But know that you are not alone. There's all kinds of us out there! LOL.
Sue
But it never does go away, does it Sue? That is what makes it so hard, is when it's too late. Then what do you do with those words. I hope in this, I go to God and turn it over to Him, but so often I don't. I hope you are able to find peace in the words unspoken and rest in Christ. Hugs my friend. Thank you for sharing your heart.
DeleteIt's so much easier--or so it seems--to keep them close to our heart, doesn't it? I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve though and it's so hard to keep them buried and waiting only to be buried deeper.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes Sarah, this has been encouraging to me today. Hopefully it has encouraged you all as well! :)
Encouragement of the day: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." ~Anais Nin (1903-1977) Author
ReplyDelete